I jam with Ray from way back when today after work.

I’m nervous. “Nervous” me is not a good me.

Ray comes from the school of Ainj & Iz’s boy band daze. When we were surrounded by these bands and these shows that we would get crazy silly drunk at and plan to take over the world with “our” music. To break loose from this boy dominated scene and rock them up something fierce.

They were playing regularly and we were dreaming regularly. They haven’t moved much, mostly swapped players from each other and changed their names around a bit, but it’s still the same scene, 9 years later. Made for some mocking from two stoners sitting on a couch still watching the same scene 9 years later. I don’t know what that says. Ainj moved on to the big city – I hooked up with a blues trio and made a little noise of my own.

After the whole “jamie band thing” drama, I’ve been really turned off to playing. I packed up my bass after the last gig and just let it lay there atrophying. I let my calluses turn soft and my fingers lost their way. I have a million reasons why I did that and not a single one of them is good enough. It was a bad decision.

This is only a test run. I really dry test run. A no-pressure just hang out and jam test run. To see if my chops are strong enough, to see if I fit the sound they’re looking for. To see if I can hang.

Well I know I can hang. I just don’t know if I can play well enough.

I don’t have faith in my abilities. I don’t have faith in the Rock (tm., bean).

Not having faith in myself is not something I handle well. I tend to pay attention to everything else instead of tackling the actual problem instead. Out of sight, out of mind.

Lately the bug has gotten to me, though. I’ve been craving the stage and craving “the moment” when it all comes together and time stops and the music plays you and your bandmates instead of the other way around. I miss it.

So after work, I get my gear and pick up Ray and see what happens.

I’m going to tell all of you that this is no big deal. That I know that chances of this actually working out are zillion to one and that I’m doing this just for the practice. For the experience. So that when it happens for real, I’ll know what to expect and what to do. I’m going to tell you all that this is just for fun with an old friend. No pressure.

I’m going to say that, so that if it doesn’t work out, I won’t feel liked I failed somehow.

*******
This is the first time B is reading The Journal.

I’m slightly terrified.
*******
I’m not ready to talk about Dad yet. Everything is okay, no worries. Not completely out of the water yet, but he deserves his own entry. That will come later.

*******

Wish me luck, folks!